Analyze This

When I first started road racing like four or five years ago or something, I used to write race reports that were all serious and stuff. I wanted to be taken seriously and also analyze my moves and fitness and skills and position and blah, blah, blah.
I think I even used a heart monitor a few times and I knew my zones. But after a few years of writing and racing and analyzing, I realized how much I sucked and how much I hated it so I quit doing it all. And besides none of the guys ever wore skin suits.

But then, last year I discovered cyclocross. And it all made sense, because I'd found my tribe. Although I still kind of suck at the racing and reporting, but now I just don't care as much about sucking ass.
I was thinking that maybe I'd go back to the old format and analyze more. And stuff.
Race: cccx
Date: january 6,
Category: b
Rider: lauren
Field: i don't know. a bunch.
Teammates: none
Placing: can't remember
Series Overall: i think 6th or so
Breakfast: peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a banana, chocolate chip mini cookies.
Warm-up: a few laps or so. fuck warmups, that's what i say. but i did stretch a little bit while i changed my socks.
Pre-race food: half a gu, some beer and some water and some chocolate chip mini cookies.
After-race food: some beers and a turkey sandwich and some chocolate chip mini cookies.
Weather: cloudy and cool, but no rain.
Course: lots of swoopy single track, sandy but no real sandpit and some logs and barriers and hills and run ups and some pavement and some hecklers.

Mood: rock solid
Health: on like tony orlando and dawn
I did a few pre-ride laps and was ready. And then I kept warm before the start by riding around the parking lot. At the start I got a call up, because Kat and Soni and Rita where missing and were probably at the bathroom or something.
The call up was confusing though - because of my name. No one ever pronounces it correctly. Why in the hell is Lauren always so hard to get right? I can understand Haughey, but Lauren?

It went something like this, "Okay, next is, uh, Lara Hugarly". And we all sort of stood around looking at each other. Who the hell is that, we all thought. And then he said again, "Laurie? Heerar..."
It caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting a call up, so I wasn't listening for the miss pronunciation. Usually I'm waiting for it. And it's interesting how people always throw an L into my last name. That little h next to the g really throws people off. You know, the long look of it and stuff.
Anyway, I realized after a bit that that he probably meant me. So I started rolling up and as I'm rolling Keith says LAUREN! aHAHAha, sorry about that.
He started us women folk all together and after the whistle I called out, last one up the hill is a glazed ham!
And then we raced around for 40 minutes or so. My chain fell off once and I got a little out of control on some of the corners and slid out a bit. And of course there was the heckling by the men on the barriers and the run-up.
And that was about it.
And then the camera was dropped into a puddle of water near the porta potties and it stopped working.
Afterwards I met a Laura who told me a story about how they never get her name right either. At the place she gets coffee, she just decided one day to go with it and she became Lauren because that's what they kept calling her. But then someone who knew that her real name was Laura was in there one day and accused her of lying in front of all the Batista's and people in line waiting for their coffees and it was a mess.
Now she goes by Lily.
Morgan's coffee name is Jethro. In the beginning, when they'd call him to come get his coffee, Lulu used to say really loud YOUR NOT JETHRO! And how do you explain to a four year old that it's just your coffee name and to everyone else that you're not stealing Jethro's coffee.
Or sometimes we'd see the Peets lady out and about while we were hanging out with other friends and she'd say oh hey Jethro, how's it going? and everyone would look confused and uncomfortable.
Don't worry, we'd say, that's just his "coffee name". Now we all know who Jethro is.
Lessons Learned:
1) The chocolate chip mini cookies were delish, but I kinda threw up in my mouth a little on that long first hill on the first lap. I shouldn't eat them so close to the start.
2) Stick around long enough and you'll get to see one of the (A) men's bare ass as he's changing out of his skinsuit.
3) (A) men have nice asses.
4) Some people bring TVs to watch to cyclocross races.


All in all (I think I remember ending all my race reports that way, with all-in-all), a five star day.